Posted by: Kiana Bullard | June 17, 2009

Drawings and inadequacy

Ok, so many times we see ourselves as good. We puff ourselves up and convince ourselves that we deserve to be loved by God. Where does this come from? Deserve. We deserve absolutely nothing at all. And if we all deserve nothing what makes one person better than another? Nothing. Social class and status have nothing to do with it, we are all equal: male, female, black, white, hispanic, young, old, rich, or poor. We are all exactly the same.

Since arriving in Louisville I have been convicted about several things. I have seen how often we think we deserve God’s love. There have been times when I think ” I am doing pretty good with God, I don’t really have anything to repent of, I have life figured out, I got this God.” The very second these thoughts run through my head God wipes them right out of my mind. He knows that I am nothing without Him and that I do not deserve this life that I live. I live a life of comfort and security. But is that ok? Do these things hinder me from getting to know Christ better? Do I trust and hope in these things rather than God’s provision? I never want to get to the point where I tell God “I got this. I can handle this on my own.” I never want to be that confident or puffed up. I need to be able to rely on Christ for my everything.

God has also shown me that all people are alike, one is not better than the other. The homeless guests that I encounter daily are my equal. The people I meet, hang-out with, and live with are my equal. Today a little girl came over to our house and rang the door bell. I was selfish! I didn’t want to open the door, I just wanted the little girl to go away, but one of the girls I am living with opend the door regardless of my persistent thoughts. I was selfish with my time and was not willing to give it up. When we opened the door the little girl showed us several drawings that she had made for us. Each drawing had an explanation and all the drawings were addressed to “The College Girls”. I was immediately convicted. Who did I think I was to not open the door? Who did I think I was to instead sit there and ignore the knocks and the ringing of the doorbell? This little girl wants/needs attention and I was absorded with myself enough to convince myself that she didn’t matter, that I was more important.

I have been studying and learning what it means to be a servant. Not just serve but to live the lifestyle of a servant. It is not a time you can put in your planner, it is the way you live your life daily. I was selfish with today. I asked the Lord to teach me about a servant lifestyle and He continues to give me opportunities to learn and experience what it means to live that out AND yet I still ignore Him. God will not just make me a servant He is going to give me opportunities that may mold me into a servant. God, is so crazy the way He works!


  1. Kiana, you are an amazing young woman. I pray that I would have a fraction of your insight!

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